*Lmao :) read till da end...*

 

Man discovered WOMEN and invented SEX, Woman discovered SEX and invented HEADACHES.

 

Man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION, Woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP

 

Man discovered GAMBLING and invented CARDS, Woman discovered CARDS and invented WITCHERY.

 

Man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE, Woman discovered LOVE and invented MARRIAGE.

 

Man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD, Woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

 

Man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT, Woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

 

Man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY, Woman discovered MONEY and that's when it all got f* ***** up

I believe that we are born with a good purpose for our lives and if we get in tune with it, we will experience our individual definitions of success. When we detour from the most beneficial paths we should travel on in life, the road seems to get rougher for us. These experiences will definitely become the opportunities for lessons to be learned, and it is crucial to make sure that we learn the lessons from the detours. It is possible to achieve your success in life by doing the following:

1. Follow Your Heart

It is important to do what our hearts are telling us to do if they are good in nature. This feeling can be similar to something that is pulling us in a particular direction. It is an internal compass that leads us in the direction we should go. I have found that even family members, who love me dearly, have advised me about things they felt I should have done, but I chose to follow my heart and every time that I did, it turned out to be the right decision for me. When we follow our hearts, they let us know the right choices to make for our lives. When we make the right choices for ourselves, we are achieving our success.

2. Do What You Love

We should also take the time to discover our gifts and talents so that we can do things that we are good at as well as have fun. I believe that we all have gifts and talents that we can do that will bring us joy as well as help others to experience joy. When we do what we love to do, we also allow others to appreciate our talents and have better life experiences. It is so important to do what we love because it is far better than doing the alternative. Our lives can be successful if we do what we love to do.

3. Stay Focused

We have to stay focused on following our hearts and doing what we love to do because life often times throws us curve balls that take our attention off of these two basic concepts. We must stay focused on what is important to us and what feels right for our lives. By ensuring that we keep our efforts on fulfilling our good purpose for our lives, we will be successful.

4. Realize Your Dreams

As we stay on the road that is right for us, we realize our dreams in life. Our dreams are part of our purpose that should be fulfilled. Now that I have realized this, I try my best to follow my heart, do what I love, stay focused, and I can truly say that I am realizing many of my dreams in life.

Achieve Your Success!

 

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

 

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."


When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.


A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."



A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

 

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

 

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.



If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

 

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.


First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

 

" A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death "



AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!


Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

 

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's really not difficult...

To make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:

01. a friend

02. a companion

03. a lover

04. a brother

05. a father

06. a master

07. a chef

 

09. a carpenter

10. a plumber

11. a mechanic

12. a decorator

13. a stylist

14. a sexologist

15. a gynaecologist

16. a psychologist

17. a pest exterminator

18. a psychiatrist

19. a healer

20. a good listener

21. an organiser

22. a good father

23. very clean

24. sympathetic

25. athletic

26. warm

27. attentive

28. gallant

29. intelligent

30. funny

31. creative

32. tender

33. strong

34. understanding

35. tolerant

36. prudent

37. ambitious

38. capable

39. courageous

40. determined

41. true

42. dependable

43. passionate

 

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. give her compliments regularly

45. love shopping

46. be honest

47. be very rich

48. not stress her out

49. not look at other girls

 

AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. give her lots of attention,

51. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

 

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

5 2 . Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

 

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:-

01. Feed him

02. Shag him

03. Leave him in peace

 

Something To Think About

 

 

 

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near
your husband...... at all times

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good
time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you
going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army
cot

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of
him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he ALWAYS this
hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married .....You tell him "If we have sex,
will you leave me
alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for no
reason When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you
together, growing old
together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel
all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to
claw his eyes
out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "Laundry basket"
is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes
storage area

When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in
the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have
"male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to
steal you away

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare

When you are dating..... He calls you by name
When you are married .....He calls you "Hey" and refers to
you when
speaking to others as "She"!

 

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate.

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Mrs Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr /Mrs Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.

                                     Sometimes, there is no race to be won.

Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfil your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.

 

Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life.

Take away the clutter.

 

Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.

Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It is true that life does not get easier with age. It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid.
Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.

Don't lose faith in your God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

 

NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out
a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find
it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some
matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the
bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a
framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is
this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied,
snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all,"
she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the
bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the
operation."

 

NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to
think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and found
his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?"
"Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his
wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure. After a few
minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed. Afterwards, the
man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there,
the light was on and he saw his wife there shaving her legs. He
exclaimed, "What are you doing in here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing
at the bed, "You'll wake your mother"

 

NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.
As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the
guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans
with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey,
would you give me a blw job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My
parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He
asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's
just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?" "No, no,
and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't" "I'm begging you..." Out of the blue, the light
on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas,
hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead
and give him a blw job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can
come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to take his hand
off the intercom!"

 

Thought For Today

 

 

 

Is life an obstacle course? Sometimes it may feel like it.

If you join the military you will be sent around an obstacle course

 of increasing degrees of difficulty.

Why? To increase your strength and stamina and

expand your creative capacity under strain.

So it is on the course called 'life' - you can choose to perceive people,

situations or events as obstacles, or you can choose to use these things to

strengthen and expand your capacity to be creative and to find ways round, under, over.

The choice lies in your perception.

     Obstacles are never ever 'out there', they are always in our own minds.

MEN
1. All men are extremly busy.

2. Although they are very busy, they still have time for women.

3. Although they have time for women, they don't really care for them.

 

4. Although they don't really care for them, they always have one around.

5. Although they always have one around them, they always try their luck
with others.

6. Although they try their luck with others, they get really pissed off if the woman
leaves them.

7. Although the woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes
and still try their luck with others.


WOMEN:
1. The most importany thing for a woman is financial security.

 

2. Although this is so important, they still go out and buy expensive clothes
and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes, they never have something to wear.

4. Although they never have something to wear, they always dress beautifully.

5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "Old Rags".

6. Although their clothes are always, just an old rag, they still expect you to
compliment them.

7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you

 

1. He starts thinking about the future and she's in it
It used to be that the future with a woman meant his date on Saturday night, but with this woman, the future seems infinite. Not only does he plan to see her this weekend, but he wants to see her a year from now as well.

When planning his next holiday, he knows he wants to spend it with her, and not a random beach bunny he happens to meet while he's there. And when he gets an invitation to a wedding that takes place three months from now, he asks her to be his date without thinking that it's too far away to tell if they'll still be together.

 

2. Other priorities take a back seat
He used to train religiously, but lately, if she's free for dinner, he doesn't mind missing a workout. Not only that, but his workaholic tendency of bringing work home at weekends to get ahead seems a bit excessive to him lately.

His ever-important 'to do' list seems quite stagnant these days, as being with her always manages to render his other plans and obligations obsolete. What was it that he absolutely had to do by four o'clock again?

 

3. He doesn't mind compromising sometimes
There was a time when it was his way or the highway, but with her it's different. Not that she asks him to, but he doesn't mind missing a night out with the lads to be with her. And he finds himself trying to incorporate her into his plans or altering them to accommodate her.

He also finds himself not putting up a fight when she wants to go to Shakespeare in the Park. Although his friends find this very amusing, he knows that deep down, they wish that they had found a love like his.

 

4. He loves spending time with her
This one is pretty obvious but important nonetheless. He looks forward to seeing her, and doesn't care much about what the two of them will be doing. Lately, just going for a walk with her sounds like the best way he could possibly spend an evening.

Furthermore, when they're not together, he misses her and wishes they were spending time together.

 

5. He doesn't notice other women as much
Did he see that gorgeous blonde who just walked by? What does he mean, 'no'?!? Although he can't help noticing a beautiful woman when one walks by, when he's in love, some of them tend to slip under the radar, while others just pale in comparison to her. Furthermore, he doesn't seem to be flirting half as much as he used to.

He is slowly realising that she's often the only woman in the room that matters, and for some reason that suits him just fine.

 

6. They have great chemistry
He can't be in love with someone that he has no chemistry with. If he seems to always be on the same wavelength, and think in similar ways, that's a great sign. If they also generate enough heat to set off a five-alarm fire bell, then she is probably someone that he could fall in love with, if they aren't there already.

 

7. He finds her quirks charming
The fact that she carries her passport with her everywhere she goes - just in case and that, when she's eating, she can't help but construct every forkful so that it's the perfect blend of ingredients fills him with an inexplicable feeling of happiness.

She does and says things that make her different, and he likes it. He can't quite put his finger on why, but it doesn't even matter. He likes her just the way she is.

 

8. He cares about her
There is a reason why he doesn't really want to know too much about the chick he had a one-night stand with: he didn't love her. When he's in love with a woman, he wants to know all about her: who she is, what she thinks, what makes her laugh. He truly cares about her and his feelings.

If he truly loves a woman, he feels bad if she had a bad day or is upset about something. He doesn't try to cheer her up because he has to, but because he can't help it.

 

9. He can't stop thinking about her
Instead, he is consumed by thoughts of her. She just pops into his head for no apparent reason, and he wonders if she thinks of him half as much as he thinks of her. He wonders what she's up to and even considers calling her (but should refrain from doing so for fear of looking overeager).

But it gets worse. He's out with his friends and he sees something in a shop window and thinks about how much she would like that particular item, or he notices a poster for a show that she would love, but normally wouldn't even have looked twice at it.

If she's the last thing on his mind before he goes to sleep and the first thing on his mind when he wakes up - and he's even dreamed of her on a couple of occasions then he doesn't really even need to read on to know if he's in love (but should anyway, just to be sure).

 

10. He's forgotten his ex
More often than not, a break-up is followed by a significant amount of time spent thinking about his ex and wondering whether or not he made the right decision in going their separate ways. Depending on how long the two of them were together, these doubts can resurface again and again.

Ever since he met this new one, however, the thought of getting back together with his ex is the furthest thing from his mind. Come to think of it, he barely recalls what he found so great about her in the first place.

 

She's the one
If he is currently dating a woman who makes him act in any of the ways mentioned above, then he is seriously falling for her. It's time for him to put away the little black book for a while and enjoy the ride.

 

When I look into your eyes I see naankataais.
 

Dearest Rani - my jaan ,

have a conpeshion to make. I luw u sooooo much. I just luw to stare at your beautiful face all day long.

Everyday I thank God for making Vicco Turmeric Ayurvedic Cream, because

without it you would not have that lovely scent of sandlewood or that

lovely wheat colored complexion just like a fresh baked roti.

You are such a delicious specimin of a woman. Your lips are like nice,

pink, sveet jilebi. Sometimes I vant to bite off your nose because it

reminds me of a scrumptious looking pakora.

Smelling your hair reminds of the days vhen I was back in the motherland and my mother used to rub coconut thel in my hair before I vould

go to sleep.

Vould you like to frolick vith me in the meadows? I vill let you be Kajol

if you vill let me be Salman. We can dance and if it rains, it vill be even

better because then it vill be truly Hindi style with my already tight jeans

clinging to my skinny legs and your sari stuck to your plump stomach. But

remember, no hanky panky. At least not yet.

Sometimes I imagine vhat it vould be like if you were not in my life. But then I can smell the curry powder on you breath and I know you

will

be in my life forewer! I luwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww you wery wery much. Don't ewer porget. . you are my little samosa and I am your chutney. you are my

curry chicken and I am your naan. You are my idli and I am your sambar.You

are my mango and I am your lassie.

Please accept this as a statement of my undying luw for u porever and

porever and ever

Your Naankatai

Indian with R500 in his pocket............Hafagee(1/2 a gee)

Indian carpet manufacturer...........Rugnath
Indian who loves pills..............Pillay
Indian murderer...............Madaray

Indain who chows alot...........Kuppasamy
Indian astronaut.............Moonsamy
Indian boxer.......................Chinsamy
Indian bank manager..............Moneylall
Indain who's always looking for something............Sukhlal
Indian Muslim fond of bovines...........Moosa
Indian Tamil guy getting an errection..........Bala Reddy

Indian Hindi man not very fair, not very dark............Baijnath

Indian Hindi man serving water................Juglall
Indian drug addict......................Gaanjadeen

Indian who kiss and tells...............Kisten
Indian who loves syrups................Saroop
Indian female arsonist.................Barnmathie
Indian female smoker.................Rookmoney
Indian Muslim girl sitting under a tree.....Shaida
Indian tamil girl sitting under lemon tree...Soutree
Indian with musical forefathers.................Singh
Indian plumber.................Seweraj

Indian who symbolises a bear(cartoon character)........Poovin(poo-vin)
Indian doorman................Doorasamy
Indian who likes shoes alot................Shewshunker
Indain who loves apples.............Applesamy
Indian hindi radio dj...............Arnand Singh
Indian tamil radio dj.............Soundla
Indian man in a rush...................Haribans
Indian man whose seen a ghost ......... Ashok
Indian garbage collector.................balgobin
Indian acrobat .................Balan Singh(balancing)
Indian bus driver ..............Busdeo

Indain who loves subaru's............Subrayalu
Muslim cigarette smoker .............farouk
Indian who dislike the rain ......... Narain
Indian drag racer ........... Ray Singh(racing)
Indian who's confused........... Norman (no man)
Indian vendor............Govender
Indain who always forgets who he sleeps with.........Naidu
Indian sniper ...........gunpath
Muslim baker (male) ...........Aboobaker
Indian  man with suit and tie + condom in his pocket.......Reddy

 

1. I was so poor growing up… if I wasn't a boy… I'd have had nothing to play with.

 

 

2. A girl phoned me the other day & said, "Come on over; nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.

 

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

 

4.. One day I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early".

 

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning… put a shirt on & a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, & the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

 

6. I was such an ugly kid… When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

 

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster & radio.

 

8. I was such an ugly baby… My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

 

9. I'm so ugly… My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

 

10.. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room & said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

 

11. I'm so ugly… my mother had morning sickness… AFTER I was born.

 

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped & they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

 

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

 

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

 

15. I'm so ugly… I worked in a pet shop, & people kept asking how big I'd get.

 

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up & I look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said… "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

 

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks & get some rest.

 

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

 

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is my arm. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 of those times I was reading it.

 

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

 

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HOW GOOD ARE YOU ?

 
First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in? 

Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If
you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
 
 
Try not to mess up in the next question.
 
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for
the  first question.
 
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? 
   
Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can YOU overtake the LAST person?!
 
You're not very good at this are you? 
  
Third Question:
Very tricky math!  Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use
paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.
 
Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add
another  1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the
total? 
  
 
Answer:
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
 
Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question
right?
 
 
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini,4. Nono.
 
What is the name of the fifth daughter? 
  
 Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again

 

 

 

 

 

STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY: May I hold your hand?
GIRL: No thanks, it isn't heavy .

GIRL: Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY: You love me...

GIRL: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY: Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL: I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY: Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL: Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY: Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY: I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL: How soon??

BOY: I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL: Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON: Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY: I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN: You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN: Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN: NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE: You tell a man something; it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND: You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?
PETER: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend: "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend: "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2) Teacher: "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil: "The moon".
Teacher: "Why?"
Pupil: "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil: "A teacher".

4) Waiter: "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer: "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher: "Sam, you talk a lot!"
Sam: "It's a family tradition".
Teacher: "What do you mean?"
Sam: "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher: "What about your mother?"
Sam: "She's a woman".

7) Tom: "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

8) Teacher: "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student: "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam: "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient: "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor: "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

11) Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
 

 

 

 

 

A drunk is sitting at the bar.  There is a very buxom blond a few seats down from him.  

 

A fellow at the other end of the bar calls for a beer.  The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.  

The glass hits the blond's breasts and spills all over them.  The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her breasts.  

This happens a couple more times.  The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts.  She decks him!  

He's lying on the floor moaning and groaning. Why do you let the bartender do it?  He asks the blonde?

  She answers: 'Because he has got-------??????

 

Can you Try and Guess her answer?

Even if you don't, you gonna love this-----

 

Scroll down if you wish to find out!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                             A LICKER LICENSE!

                          ._,___

Three  dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on  their faces. Along with them comes a police inspector to find out how
they died.

"First body:  Frenchman, 60. Died of heart failure while  making love
to his  mistress.
Hence, the enormous smile,  Inspector," says the Coroner.

"Second body:  Scotsman, 25. Won a thousand pounds on the lottery.
Spent it all on whiskey.  Died of alcohol  poisoning. Hence the smile."

The Inspector asks, "What of the third  body?"
"Ah,"  says the Coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Sipho,  a street sweeper from Soweto, 30. Struck by  lightning."
"Why  is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
Thought  he was having his picture taken."

 

A little black girl

A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when
the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that
flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book,
closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk
about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you
think that So-called President Elect Barak Obama is qualified for the
job?" and he smiles. "OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting
topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer
all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets,
while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger, visibly surprised by
the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have
no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel
qualified to discuss President Barak Obama...when you don't know shit?"

 Yo Mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and down came the skittles.

Yo Mama so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.

Yo Mama is so fat she went in the ocean and all the whales started singing,"We are family".

Yo Mama is so stupid she put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gum ball.

Yo Mama is so fat that Iraq threatened her with slim-fast if she didn't fart to intoxicate half the population.

Yo Mama so ugly, I took her to a haunted house and she came out with a job application.

Yo Mama is so fat she sat on a dollar and made change.

Yo Mama so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.

Yo Mama so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Yo Mama is so fat that she owes the IRS $100,000 from using all that toilet paper.


Yo Mama is so ugly that the devil rejected her on the way to hell.

Yo Mama so fat, I gotta take three steps back just to see all of her.

Yo Mama is so fat she makes a whale look like a pimple on her ass.

Yo Mama so poor, she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.

Yo Mama is so fat she made the gateway arch a circle on her tour through Louisiana.

Yo Mama so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.

Yo Mama so ugly, Yo daddy tosses the ugly stick and she fetches it every time.

Yo Mama so short, she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.

Yo Mama so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.

Yo Mama so ugly she put the Boogie man outta business.

Yo Mama so ugly she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt.

Yo Mama so stupid she noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor'...so she just did!

Yo Mama so stupid that when you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, "Wow, it comes with cable too!"

Yo Mama so old she left her purse on Noah's Ark.

Yo Mama so old Jurassic Park brought back the memories.

Yo Mama so old she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade.

Yo Mama so old her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.

Yo mama so fat when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

Yo mama so fat she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!

Yo mama so fat folk exercise by jogging around her!

Yo mama so fat when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.

Yo mama so fat she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy

Yo mama so fat she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie

Yo mama so fat NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer

Yo mama so fat she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...

Yo mama so fat small objects orbit her.

Yo mama so fat she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.

Yo mama so fat when I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

Yo mama so fat when she farted she launched herself into orbit.

Yo mama so fat she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her...behind Mount Everest.

Yo mama so fat when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!

Yo mama so fat she could be the eighth continent.

Yo mama so fat she nearly put Safeway out of business

Yo mama so fat the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.

Yo mama so fat her Uni graduation photo was an aerial

Yo mama so fat when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.

Yo mama so fat she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.

Yo mama so fat her fave food is seconds.

Yo mama so fat her belt size is Equator.

Yo mama so fat she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her.
 

 

Worst Pick Up Lines

 

You are like Nando's... a hot bird with a greasy box.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, can I visit you between the Holidays?

I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside the Waterfront, so that I could ride you all day long for a rand.

Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and coming and going and coming and going and coming .......

I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

Is that Windolene? Because I can see myself in your pants.

Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead .......... yield?

Hi my name is _______, remember it, cause you'll be screaming it all night long!!!

Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.