Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} MEN NEVER LISTEN... On a flight to Singapore , a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch
any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to, and as he sat there, he noticed the buttons he
had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW - WA - PP - and a red one labelled - ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW.
Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button.
Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button.
A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring
flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push
the ATR button - Which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing, he knew he was in a hospital. As he opened his eyes, a nurse was starring down at him with a smirk on
her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover -
Your balls are in the bucket under the bed.....!
|
Girls
Girls want to control the man in their life.
Grown womenknow that if he's truly hers, he doesn't need controlling.
Girls check you for not calling them.
Grown womenare too busy to realize you hadn't.
Girls are afraid to be alone.
Grown womenrevel in it-using it as a time for personal growth.
Girls ignore the good guys.
Grown womenignore the bad guys.
Girls make you come home.
Grown womenmake you want to come home.
Girls worry about not being pretty and/or good enough for their man.
Grown womenknow that they are pretty and/or good enough for any man.
Girls try to monopolize all their man's time (i.e., don't want him hanging with his friends).
Grown womenrealize that a lil' bit of space makes the 'together time' even more special-and goes to kick it with her own friends.
Girls think a guy crying is weak.
Grown womenoffer their shoulder and a tissue.
Girls want to be spoiled and 'tell' their man so.
Grown women'show' him and make him comfortable enough to reciprocate without fear of losing his 'manhood'.
Girls get hurt by one man and make all men pay for it.
Grown womenknow that that was just one man.
Girls fall in love and chase aimlessly after the object of their affection, ignoring all 'signs'.
Grown womenknow that sometimes the one you love, don't always love you back-and move on, without bitterness. leave their schedule wide-open and wait for a guy to call and make plans.
Grown womenmake their own plans and nicely tell the guy to get in where he fits.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________
|
A MUST READ.
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the
semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents
gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't
believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they
actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog BHOVA
how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that
program?"
"Just send him down here with R15,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into
the course." So, his father sends the dog and the R15,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls
his father again. "So how's BHOVA doing, son," his father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - they've had such good results with this program that
they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him
in that program?"
Just send R18,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the
money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find
out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When
he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
"Where's BHOVA? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
before we left to drive home, BHOVA was in the living room kicking back
in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then
he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing' around
with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'
The father says, "I hope you SHOT that son of a b*tch before he talks
to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
|
A very 'straight and honest' girl from Phoenix Durban is going to
> seek
>
>> work in Joburg like the thousand of durbanites before her....
>
>> Before she left, her mother gave her some advice. "Parvithy, my
> child,
>
>> when you're in Jo'burg and all, if you're looking for a match
> there, you
>
>> must take note of the following the requirements I've set for you my
>
>> bhajia.
>
>> You must find boy that is faithful, not spendthrift and he must be a
>
>> virgin'. With this advise from her mother, 'Parv's', as
> her mother
>
>> affectionately calls her, went to the 'City of Gold
> '.
>
>> Some months later, she came way home to get her mother's
>
>> blessings to marry. "Ma", she choon coyly, I've met my match
> following
>
>> your instructions and all. My future hubby is a so faithful boy !!! u
>
>> know the one night we went out for a outing to Lenasia, his home town,
> where all
>
>> the great boys are from, he took care of me specifically even though
>
>> there were so many prettier girls around, like all the Lenz babes.
> Isn't
>
>> that being faithful?" she asked expectantly".
>
>> Her mother nodded in agreement.
>
>> "Then", 'Parv continued, "since it was getting late
> at night and rain
>
>> was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at the lenz
>
>> guesthouse. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we
>
>> shared one room. "See, he's not a spendthrift, is he?"
>
>> For the
> second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a
>
>> little concern. "And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin".
>
>> "How did you know he is still a virgin?" The concerned mother
> asked.
>
>
>
>
>
>> "Mmmmmmm....his 'thing' is new......still wrapped up in
> plastic, mum!"
>
>
>
>> Ayor ... The old lady is recovering from shock in Addington hospital.
>
>
|
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice. !
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
5. On the cheque butt Of All Your Cheques Write ' For Marijuana'
6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
9. Sing Along At The Opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity
14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
|
Here are the glorious winners :
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a hold-up in Johannesburg, South Africa , would-be robber Elliot
Ncgube did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the
barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting
machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a
finger.
The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman
had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal shebeen, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be
transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered
everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the
mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very
excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. A teenager in Soweto, South Africa, was in the hospital recovering
from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked
how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to
see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer,
the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the
clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got
from the drawer . ....$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money,
is a crime committed?)
7. Seems a guy in Polokwane, South Africa, wanted some beer pretty
badly. He decided that he'd just throw a concrete building block through a
liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the block and
heaved it over his head at the window. The block bounced back and hit the
would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store
window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on CCTV
camera.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was
able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes,
the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove
back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer,
that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'
9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and
demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't
open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion
rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
walked away. (*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER)
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying
to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage
tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying
that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with your
friends and family .. unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a
distant relative or long-lost friend. In that case, be glad they are
distant and hope they remain lost.
|
When my face she sees you, she go brite like a flower ………… my hart, Eish, she goes doof doof doof……. like hailstones on the roof of my shack in freedom park.I nearly died. You my dulling, you like a rose………..You stink of nice smell, and look red when you put on make-up. Ngiya thanda too mush. Haibo, you make it me so heppy, wena. Seri-uuus
|
Trust your partner A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his Batman costume (mask) and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She put on a Goldilocks costume (mask). So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband enjoying himself on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he cuddled and occasionally giving a little kiss here and there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, her husband left his new partner & devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After some more drinking he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had quick sex in the back seat. She slipped away before unmasking herself or her husband and went home and put her costume (mask) away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there. " Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played darts all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume playing darts all night!" She said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my Batman costume to your Dad who seemed to have had a jolly good time on the dance floor. Am told that he was seen by Frank taking a prostitute in a Goldilocks outfit out for a few minutes. Don't ask me what they did; you know your dad still wants to behave like a kid." Moral of the story: Don't try to sneak up on your husband.
|
: : :
Mr. Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to
have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for
sure, we can't tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad
Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.
"Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma?"
"Yes...... speaking"
AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files...... HOW?????"
"Yes ... We have a system of finding out who's overdue"
"GOD!!!!!!......... This is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders..... I have to inform you
are overdue"
"I know that. Let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... he will
speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the call, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to AEC office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a CANDLE."*
|
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,
HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.
HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
FIX THE LIGHTS NOW?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
E-L-E-C-T-R-I-C-I-A-N WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO.
FINE,
THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT
TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE D-E-F-Y WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
FINE, SHE SAYS
THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK
I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS
HE SAYS, DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
C-A-R-P-E-N-T-E-R WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!
SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS............
HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME
AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.
AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING
AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.
HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?
SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.
JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.
HE SAID,
SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?
SHE REPLIED,
HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE S-N-O-W-F-L-A-K-E WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD?
I DON'T THINK SO!
|
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the illegal lovers and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Then the woman's husband unexpectedly comes home.
She hides her lover in the cupboard, not realizing that her little boy is in there already.
The little Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Man says: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a soccer ball; do you want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside, I'll call him if you don't buy it!"
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "R250-00."
A few weeks later it happened again and the boy and the lover were in the cupboard together again.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have soccer boots."
The Man, remembering the last time, asks the boy: "How much?"
The Boy says:"R750-00."
The Man says: "Fine, I will buy them."
A few days later, the Father says to the boy: "Grab your ball and boots, let's go outside and have a game."
The Boy says: "I can't, I sold them for R1000."
The Father says: "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...
R1000 is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your sins."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The Boy says: "Dark in here."
The Priest says: "Don't start that sh!t again!"
THIS IS MY CHURCH NOT YOUR FATHER'S HOUSE
|
An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has? "Ten boys." "And their names?" "Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy." "All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?" "That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'" "What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?" "Then I calls him by his last name."
|
One day Cinderella was at home kak bored cos her step-taanie &
step-sista's was gone to Rascasse. So her fairy-god-taanie steekd uit
and asked: Cinderella wats wrong?
Cinderella said she wants 2 go to the jol but she got fokol odds.
So the fairy-god-taanie gave her crown, a bottle rum, 20 courtleigh and
organised a velocity 1.6i to go to the jol.
But the fairy-god-taanie wys dat she mus be home before 12 othawise her
koekie gonna turn into a pumpkin.
11:58: no Cinderella
01:35: no Cinderella
02:55: no Cinderella
Finally @ 04:26 Cinderella steekd uit, dik gesuip and the
fairy-god-taanie asked her where she was and Cinderella replied:
"Fairy-god-taanie die man wat ek saam gewies het was PETER, PETER
PUMPKIN EATER"..... ...........................................................
|
There are gifts of many treasures
For both the young and old,
From the tiniest little trinkets
To great boxes filled with gold. But, put them all together
And they could not stand in lieu,
Of the greatest gift of all
The gift of knowing you. When your times are filled with troubles
Sadness, grief, or even doubt,
When all those things you planned on
Just aren't turning out. Just turn and look behind you
From the place at which you stand,
And look for me through the shadows
And reach out for my hand. I will lift from you your burden
And cry for you your tears,
Bear the pain of all your sorrows
Though it may be for a thousand years. For in the end I would be happy
To have helped you start anew,
It's a small price to pay
For the gift of knowing you.
|
Sri Lanka: When the Whole World Isn't Watching 28 Jan 2009 22:14:00 GMT Written by: Joel Charny Reuters and AlertNet are not responsible for the content of this article or for any external internet sites. The views expressed are the author's alone.
One of the harsh realities of the humanitarian field is that some crises capture public attention, while others do not. The patterns are rather rigid. Crises in Europe and the Middle East, especially Palestine, make headlines. Large-scale natural disasters, even in obscure places, attract interest due to the inherent human fascination with immense forces beyond our control. But crises due to “complex” political conflicts outside the zones of proven public engagement are doomed to obscurity, unless it rises to such a level that “genocide” (read “another Holocaust”) can be invoked.
The contrast between Gaza and Sri Lanka prompts these observations. In Gaza, despite restrictions on international humanitarian and media access imposed by the Israelis, the whole world was watching, counting the civilian casualties minute-by-minute, while the global debate swirled on the legitimacy of Israeli and Hamas conduct in the light of international humanitarian law. The conflict and the suffering that it engendered were daily front page news. Now, with at least a temporary halt in hostilities, assessments of the damage in Gaza will proceed and donors will pledge millions of dollars for the rebuilding process.
While Gaza was the world’s focus, a conflict that raises similar issues and challenges was proceeding in the Vanni region in the north of Sri Lanka. There, the Sri Lankan military is trying to deal the final death blow to the Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam, the guerilla movement that has been fighting for an independent state for the country’s Tamil minority in the northern part of the island. As in Gaza, civilians are trapped. Approximately 250,000 people are caught in the conflict zone, people who have already been displaced numerous times and have suffered from the perpetual difficulty of sustaining humanitarian assistance as the 25-year civil war has dragged on.
As in Gaza, the conduct of both sides has been problematic from the perspective of international humanitarian law and human rights. The Tigers are preventing people, including the local staff of UN agencies and their families, from fleeing the conflict zone. The Sri Lankan army is using heavy weaponry to shell areas where civilians are present. An attempt by the Sri Lankan army to set up a safe zone outside its area of operations foundered in the past few days, with dozens of civilians killed amid mutual recriminations by the combatants. Fewer than 5,000 Tamil civilians have managed to escape the Vanni. They are being held in government-run fenced camps in districts bordering the conflict zone with their freedom of movement restricted, even though they are Sri Lankan citizens.
The Sri Lankan government insisted that international staff of humanitarian agencies leave the Vanni in September 2008, and the conflict has drastically reduced the scale of humanitarian operations. There are few independent witnesses of the consequences of the war and the needs of the civilian population. Those present are afraid to speak out for fear of retaliation by one of the parties. The lack of information makes it even more difficult for the world to focus on the conflict, exactly what the government and the Tigers want. They both prefer to act with impunity, while using the atrocities of the other side to score propaganda points within the narrow confines of the national press and the global Tamil solidarity network.
In short, 50% of the civilian population of the Vanni is displaced; humanitarian assistance is sporadic at best; 250,000 civilians are trapped in a conflict zone, and at least 100 have been killed since January 1st; international access is virtually nil. And while on January 26th the Secretary-General was finally moved to issue a statement pleading for respect for international humanitarian law, the world couldn’t be bothered. As of January 27th, not even Relief Web was listing Sri Lanka as an on-going crisis on its home page. The dying and wounded in Sri Lanka won’t have names or faces.
Bemoaning this neglect won’t change it. The blatant disparities in international attention are just part of “the cost of doing business” in the humanitarian field.
To Sri Lankans crying out for solidarity and assistance, there is little to say. The challenge of addressing their needs falls primarily to local organizations with the courage to defy the conflicting parties, while international organizations, with the exception of the International Committee of the Red Cross, are consigned to the sidelines.
Reuters AlertNet is not responsible for the content of external websites.
|
One Stone is enough to break a Glass......
One Sentence is enough to break a Heart......
One second is enough to Fall in Love...... And One Misunderstanding is Sufficient to Break Friendship.
Friendship is the Rainbow between Hearts. A little girl and her father were crossing a bridge. The father was kind of scared so he asked his little daughter, "Sweetheart, please hold my hand so that you don't fall into the river." The little girl said, "No, Dad. You hold my hand." "What's the difference?" Asked the puzzled father. "There's a big difference," replied the little girl. "If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go."
In any relationship, the essence of trust is not in its bind, but in its bond. So hold the hand of the person whom you love rather than expecting them to hold urs... !
|
South African Indian slang
Many of these terms occur in the Cape Town and Durban areas, and few in Indian areas in Gauteng. · an' all - like the English 'et cetera, et cetera'. · boarded-off - declared medically unfit to work, and in receipt of a disability pension, As in: 'My daddy was so lucky to have been BOARDED OFF by the corporation' · bring and come - an expression normally denoting some type of unspecified invitation to come and perform a particular task at a given location, i.e. 'I told dat TV repair balie to Bring and Come and fix da TV' · bung - to be afraid of someone. · bunny chow - type of food, made with a loaf of bread filled with a curry stew. · cake - idiot · cameway - arrived. Used in Durban. · Charra - a person of Indian origin. From the word "curry" (or tea). · choon - to tell someone something. · clips - Money, used in Gauteng / Lenasia · coat - meaning "quote", mis-pronounced, with a completely inaudible KW sound. as in Hey, can you give me a coat to fix my car? · cover - an insurance policy; as in: Hey laanie, can you organise me a cover for my grannie? · crown - money · guzzie - friend (from the Zulu guz'lam) · hit a luck - expression, to have met with good fortune. as in, 'hey my bru HIT A LUCK, eee got graft at the Casino'. Also often noted in the form HIT SUCH A LUCK · Jaaver - An Afrikaner person. · kerel - police man · laanie - From the Afrikaans word meaning "fancy", but used by Indian people to mean "smart guy" ("Smart" as in "well-to-do") or, more frequently, "boss". Compare larnie . · late - A euphemism for dead/deceased; as in 'My daddy is 2 years late'. (Unconnected with the idea of tardiness.) · maader - excellent, very good (used especially by Durban Indians) · min-rill - from the English word "mineral", meaning mineral water; taken to mean any fizzy drink in a bottle, normally Coke, Fanta, etc · mooing - to flirt. From the Afrikaans word mooi meaning "nice"/"pretty". · onetime - Meaning "of course", "without delay"; often used as a positive reply to a question. · ou - A person, homo sapiens · Charr Ou - An Indian person · Bruin Ou - A Coloured person · Correct Ou - A good guy · Gorra Ou - A White person (insulting usage) · Pekkie Ou - A Black African person (derogatory; from the Zulu word for "cook") · Porridge Ou - A Tamil person · Raven Ou - A Black African or, sometimes, Tamil person. From the Hindu deity Raven[ citation needed
· Roti Ou / Bread Ou Hindi person
· Slum Ou - A Muslim person
· Wit Ou - A White person
· pano - money, from the Tamil
· patla , flouie - usually used to describe poor (unfunny) jokes. Patla can also refer to any kind of damp squib. Patla Patla often refers obliquely to having sex; imitating the sound of two bodies meeting.
· pehrer - A fight. (Often heard as "Who's gunning a pehrer?" meaning "Who's looking for a fight?")
· poke - stab
· pozzy - House or home; place where one lives or hangs out.
· right - An affirmation, mostly used while giving traffic directions, as in "Go straight, Right. Turn Left, Right."
· slaan wear (as in clothes)
· slaat - action like hit. For example: Don't choon me what what an' all, I slaat you one time laanie.
· stekie - girl/girlfriend
· swaai - to dance. (For example: "Lets vaai (go) swaai.")
· swak - bad
· toppie - an older male authority-figure. Often used by Indians but also by working-class whites. From an Indian word for "hat".
· tannie - female version of toppie , from the Afrikaans word for "Aunty".
· Vrou - my wife, as in 'Ek s?, I must first ask my Vrou'; from the Afrikaans word for 'wife"/"woman".
· tum-blahh - from the English word "tumbler", meaning a heavy glass. As in: 'hey boy, run and get a Tum-blah for the larnie to have some Min-rill'
· what kind - Greeting, similar to Howzit
· what what - mostly used in arguments, meaning "this and that". Often heard as what you say what what word for "money". Commonly used by all South African Indian linguistic groups as a euphemism for money ], reputedly dark-skinned. (Insulting usage.)
|
YOU'VE GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the
door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'
He slams the door and returns to bed.
'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.
'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out
there!'
'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped
us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.
'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.
'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk
|
. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills.. she has 14 kids but doesn't really care..
2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.
6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my knickers'.
10. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' ....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!
12. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.
13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!
|
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
1. KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
2. THE POPE: God knows.
3. POLICEMAN: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll know why.
4. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
5. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
6. MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives being called into question.
7. GEORGE W. BUSH (2): We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
8. NELSON MANDELA: Never again, will the chicken be questioned for crossing the road. This is an ideal for which I am prepared to die.
9. THABO MBEKI: We need to establish if really there is a connection between the chicken and the road.
10. ROBERT MUGABE: For all of these years the road has been owned by the white farmers. The poor underprivileged chicken has waited too long for that road to be given to him and now he is crossing it in force with his fellow war veteran chickens. We intend taking over this road and giving it to the road less chickens so that they can cross it without fear of retribution from Britain who promised money to institute road reform.
We will not stop until all roads less chickens have roads to cross and the freedom to cross them.
|
A stranger was seated next to a little black girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just opened her coloring book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "Since you are a Negro, do you think that So-called President Barak Obama is qualified for the job?" and he smiles.
"OK", she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
* A horse, * A cow, and * A deer all eat the same stuff - grass -. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss President Barak Obama...when you don't know shit?"
|
> > In Unit two Phoenix, I was born & raised,
> > In Vasu's game shop is where I spent most of my days
> > Chilling with my gaazie's & shooting black label
> > Cranking the mutton bunny chow's on the pool table
> >
> > When a couple of Bhadha's who were up to no good,
> > Starting causing trouble in my neighbourhood
> > I got in one little speech and my baalie got scared,
> > He said, "You're moving to Boya Maama in Chatworth instead!!!
> >
> > I waved for a taxi, and as it came near
> > I saw Man United stickers, and empty quarts of beer!
> > The driver scoped me out and said, "Where you vying Boss???"
> > I chooned, "Howzit ma brew ..... I'm vying to Shallcross!!!"
> >
> > We pulled up to a Pozzie, I said, "Driver ... shot for the ride"
> > Pushpa Auntie was at the door, she said, "Ayhoo ... come inside"
> > I checked out my district ... I was finally at my abode!
> > It wasn't so bad ... there was another game shop down the road!!!
|
When an English man quarrels with his wife he goes to a Pub,
When a Frenchman quarrels with his wife he goes to his Mistress'
When a American man quarrels with his wife he goes to his Lawyer'
And When an Indian man quarrels with his wife he goes to his Mother!!
|
Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} A HUSBAND CAME FROM CHURCH, GREETED HIS WIFE AND LIFTED HER UP. HE CARRIED HER AROUND THE HOUSE. THE WIFE WAS SO SURPRISED THAT SHE ASKED "DID THE PASTOR PREACH ABOUT BEING ROMANTIC"? THE HUSBAND SAID, "NO, HE SAID WE MUST LEARN TO CARRY OUR BURDENS AND SORROWS…"
|
Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} DUMISANI bought a new mobile.
He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said,
'My Mobile No. Has changed.
Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610' DUMISANI : I am Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
DUMISANI: No, he is not studying, they are Studying him. DUMISANI: Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
DUMISANI : Can I take it tomorrow, tonight is final game. DUMISANI : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I'll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
DUMISANI : No, I'll also stay with your sister. DUMISANI complained to the police: 'Sir, all items are missing,
except the TV in my house.'
Police: 'How the thief did not take TV?'
DUMISANI : 'I was watching TV news...' DUMISANI comes back 2 his car & find a note saying 'Parking Fine'
He Writes a note and sticks it to a pole 'Thanks for compliment.' How do you recognize DUMISANI in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases
the board. Once DUMISANI was walking he had a glove on one hand and not on other.
So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast
announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would
be hot. DUMISANI in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and
Says 'Hello, how did you know I was here?' DUMISANI : Why are all these people running?
Man - This is a race, the winner will get the cup
DUMISANI - If only the winner will get the cup, why others running? Teacher: 'I killed a person' convert this sentence into future tense
DUMISANI : The future tense is 'u will go to jail' DUMISANI told his servant: 'Go and water the plants!'
Servant: 'It's already raining.'
DUMISANI : 'So what? Take an umbrella and go.'
|
Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} FOOD FOR THOUGHT WE SAID: GOD WE HURT.... GOD SAID: "I KNOW" WE SAID: GOD, WE CRY A LOT... GOD SAID: "THAT IS WHY I GAVE YOU TEARS" WE SAID: GOD, WE ARE SO DEPRESSED GOD SAID: "THAT IS WHY I GAVE YOU SUNSHINE" WE SAID: GOD, LIFE IS SO HARD GOD SAID: "THAT IS WHY I GAVE YOU LOVED ONES" WE SAID: GOD, OUR SON DIED GOD SAID: "SO DID MINE" WE SAID: GOD, IT IS SUCH A LOSS GOD SAID: "I SAW MINE NAILED TO THE CROSS" WE SAID: BUT GOD, YOUR SON LIVES! GOD SAID: "SO DOES YOUR'S" WE SAID: BUT GOD, WHERE IS HE NOW? GOD SAID: "MINE IS ON THE RIGHT AND YOUR'S IS IN TH LIGHT" WE SAID: GOD IT HURTS. GOD SAIDD: "I KNOW..."
|
*******************
1-touch her waist
2-talk to her
3-share secrets
4-give her your jacket
5-kiss her slowly
are you remembering this?
6-hug her
7-hold her
8-laugh with her
9-invite her somewhere
10-let her be with you when you're with your friends
keep reading
11-smile with her
12-take pics with her
13-pull her onto your lap
14-when she says she loves you more, deny it. fight back
15-when her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. fight
back and hug her tight so she cant get to her friends. it makes
her feel loved
Are you thinking about someone?
16-ALWAYS HUG HER AND SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN YOU SEE HER.
17-kiss her unexpectedly
18-HUG HER FROM BEHIND AROUND THE WAIST
19-tell her shes beautiful... not sexy!
20-TELL HER THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT HER!
oh, and on that last one... u need to show her you mean it too
21-kiss her on the lips
22-DONT ask her to buy you stuff. you buy HER stuff
23-tell her what feels good
24-make her feel loved
25-buy her stuff. small things can still help
we might deny it but we actually like and kinda want you to get
us things
26-DONT LIE TO HER
27-DONT CHEAT ON HER
28-take her anywhere she wants
29-txt messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a
good day at school, and how much you miss her
30-be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she
doesn't need you, just be there so she'll know that she can
always count on you
are you still reading this? u better be, its important
31. Hold her close when she's cold so she can hold you too.
32. When you are alone hold her close and kiss her.
33. Kiss her on the cheek; (it will give her the hint that you
want to kiss them).
34. While in the movie, put your arm around her and then she
will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in
and tilt her chin up and kiss her lightly.
35. Dont ever tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you're
mad. If shes upset, comfort her
remember this next time you are with her
36. When people diss her, stand up for her.
37. LOOK DEEP INTO HER EYES AND TELL HER THAT YOU LOVE HER
38. Lay down under the stars and put her head on your chest so
she can listen to the steady beat of your heart, Link your
fingers together while you whisper to her as she rests her eyes
and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her hand.
40. When you hug her hold her in your arms as long as possible
MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS SHES LOVED
41. Call her at night to wish her sweet dreams.
42. Comfort her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
43. Take her for long walks at night.
44. ALWAYS REMIND HER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER
|
Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;} No one can make you serve clients well. That's because great service is a choice. Harvey was waiting in line for a ride at the airport. When a cab pulled up, the first thing Harvey noticed was that the taxi was polished to a bright shine. Smartly dressed in a white shirt, black tie, and freshly pressed black slacks, the cab driver jumped out and rounded the car to open the back passenger door for Harvey. He handed Harvey a laminated card and said: 'I'm Wally, your driver. While I'm loading your bags in the trunk I'd like you to read my mission statement.’ Taken aback, Harvey read the card. It said: Wally's Mission Statement: To get my customers to their destination in the quickest, safest and cheapest way possible in a friendly environment. This blew Harvey away. Especially when he noticed that the inside of the cab matched the outside. Spotlessly clean! As he slid behind the wheel, Wally said, 'Would you like a cup of coffee? I have a thermos of regular and one of decaf.' Harvey said jokingly, 'No, I'd prefer a soft drink.' Wally smiled and said, 'No problem. I have a cooler up front with regular and Diet Coke, water and orange juice.' Almost stuttering, Harvey said, 'I'll take a Diet Coke.' Handing him his drink, Wally said, 'If you'd like something to read, I have The Wall Street Journal, Time, Sports Illustrated and USA Today.' As they were pulling away, Wally handed me another laminated card, 'These are the stations I get and the music they play, if you'd like to listen to the radio.' And as if that weren't enough, Wally told Harvey that he had the air conditioning on and asked if the temperature was comfortable for him. Then he advised Harvey of the best route to his destination for that time of day. He also let him know that he'd be happy to chat and tell him about some of the sights or, if Harvey preferred, to leave him with his own thoughts. 'Tell me, Wally,' Harvey asked the driver, 'have you always served clients like this?' Wally smiled into the rear view mirror. 'No, not always. In fact, it's only been in the last two years. My first five years driving, I spent most of my time complaining like all the rest of the cabbies do. Then I heard the personal growth guru, Wayne Dyer, on the radio one day. He had just written a book called You'll See It When You Believe It. Dyer said that if you get up in the morning expecting to have a bad day, you’ll rarely disappoint yourself. He said, 'Stop complaining! Differentiate yourself from your competition. Don't be a duck. Be an eagle. Ducks quack and complain. Eagles soar above the crowd.' 'That hit me right between the eyes,' said Wally. 'Dyer was really talking about me. I was always quacking and complaining, so I decided to change my attitude and become an eagle. I looked around at the other cabs and their drivers. The cabs were dirty, the drivers were unfriendly, and the customers were unhappy. So I decided to make some changes. I put in a few at a time. When my customers responded well, I did more.' 'I take it that has paid off for you,' Harvey said. 'It sure has,' Wally replied. 'My first year as an eagle, I doubled my income from the previous year. This year I'll probably quadruple it. You were lucky to get me today. I don't sit at cabstands anymore. My clients call me for appointments on my cell phone or leave a message on my answering machine. If I can't pick them up myself, I get a reliable cabbie friend to do it and I take a piece of the action.' Wally was phenomenal. He was running a limo service out of a Yellow Cab. I’ve probably told that story to more than fifty cab drivers over the years, and only two took the idea and ran with it. Whenever I go to their cities, I give them a call. The rest of the drivers quacked like ducks and told me all the reasons they couldn't do any of what I was suggesting. Wally the Cab Driver made a different choice. He decided to stop quacking like ducks and start soaring like eagles. How about us? A man reaps what he sows. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Ducks Quack, Eagles Soar The same is true for every situation we face every day, whether it is a friend you can not forgive for hurting you, or even a colleague you feel betrayed you at work, We just need to look at things differently to realise that nothing is as bad as we think it is, but in fact more often than not the negative stuff around us is of our own creation through our own distorted perception.
|
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, So remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back. "Don't be afraid that your life will end ... Be afraid that it will never begin!"
|
Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
& Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
& Law of Gravity
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
& Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
& Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
& Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
& Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
& Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
& Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
& Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
& Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
& Law of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
& The Starbucks Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
& Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
& Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
& Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
& Brown's Law of Physical Appearance
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
& Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
& Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
|
Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} Naidoo was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up toward heaven, he said
"Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Temple
every service for the rest of my life and give up alcohol."
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Naidoo looked up again and said
"OK never mind. I found one"
|
This true story happened in Soweto about a month ago.
A man was hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The
storm was so strong that he could hardly see his feet in front of him.
Suddenly a car stopped next to him. Without thinking, he got in and
closed the door, just to realise that there was nobody behind the
steering wheel.
The car moved off slowly. He looked ahead and saw a curve in the road.
Scared, he started praying, begging for his life. He was terrified. Just
before hitting the curve in the road a hand appeared through the window
and turned the steering wheel.
|
Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman","serif";} A young couple wanted to join their local church, the pastor told them, "We have a special requirement for new member couples. You must abstain from sex for
one whole month"
The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month". The young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible...anything to keep our minds off Carnal Thoughts".
"One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat," admitted the man, shamefacedly.
The pastor lowered his head and said sternly, "You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church".
''We know" said the young man, hanging his head, "We're
not welcome at Builders Warehouse either"
|
The Theory of Intelligence
I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this
'Well you see, Mike, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Mike, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'
|
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket
for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on
the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse
you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa;
The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top !'
|
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this
baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been
fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and
made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow
you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his
wife, opening his briefcase..
'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum
powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a
statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room..
'Oh it's a statue,' she replied. 'The Smiths bought one and I
liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for
two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
===============================
COUPLE OF QUICKIES by courtesy from a friend
This woman was still in a mourning, her husband only died four years
ago.... she finally accept a date with a man she fancied for a long time
and they go awa
y for a naughty weekend.
On their first night, she get strip nakeds and leaves her black panty
on and would not remove it.
The man asked' why the black knickers?
She responds' my breast you can fondle, My body is for yours to
explore but down there I am still mourning.
The next night he got the same treatment but only this time
(the randy sod was not only handsome but was alos clever)
anticipated the problem and was wearing a black condom upon seeing
this the woman asked' what's with the black condom'
To which he replies " I want to offer my condolences"
=====
BLACKS CELEBRATING OBAMA'S VICTORY
Black women all over the world are shaving their pubic hairs in support
of OBAMA's election victory... Their message to the world " READ OUR
LIPS —- NO MOR BUSH".....
==========
Subject: WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?????
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm
a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be
mine!!'
'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.
'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of
your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'
'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.'????? ?'This can't be,
our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'
'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you
have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed . 'I've been working very hard for
the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'
'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.'
===========
This is a repeat ..it's a good laugh to start yet another week off in a
happy(!!!) mind...
At Heathrow airport, an announcement goes out over the Public Address
System: 'Mr.Rand Chod Kar Sandaas ! Mr. Rand Chod Kar Sandaas - please
report to Reception'.
Ranchhodbhai Karsandas, who has just arrived ex Surat, goes red
with anger. He goes to the reception, and shouts loudly to the English
receptionist.
The following conversation take place:
Ranchhodbhai: 'Madar Chod ! I am Ranchhod........ '
Receptionist: 'Mr. Madar Chod Rand Chod ? Sir, that is not the
name I have here. I have Mr. Rand Chod Kar Sandaas.........'
Ranchhodbhai: 'Arrey Bhenchod, I am NOT Madar chod !!!'
Receptionist: 'So are you Mr. R.A. Ben or Mr. R.A. Chod ? Is your
surname Ben or Chod ?'
Ranchhodbhai: (now really really pissed) 'Chootia taari ! I am
Ranchhod.......'
Receptionist: 'Excellent sir, so who is Chootia Tari then ???'
Whenupon a Chinese guy turns up at the Reception and says: 'Were
you calling me ?'
Receptionist: 'Who are you?'
Chinese Guy: 'I am Choo Tia.....'
Whereupon Ranchhodbhai decides to fly back to Surat!!!
|
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two
Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier
crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough
Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'
The nun said, 'I understand
completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!
|
change the Tamil New Year day from April 14 to the state's harvest festival Pongal, which falls Jan 14-15. The move has drawn much public ire. Karunanidhi claimed that he had consulted various Tamil scholars and cultural experts before moving the 'Tamil Nadu Tamil New Year (Declaration) Bill 2008'. None of the opposition parties has so far expressed any reservation about the move. But much of the public opinion was opposed to it. 'I suspect that those who endorsed the government's renaming quest must all be DMK supporters. If this government can do this, it can also announce new names for all the 12 months after Periyar, Anna, Stalin, Azhagiri, Kanimozhi and so on,' said eminent political commentator Cho S. Ramaswamy. 'Culture, in my opinion, cannot be ordered by law and therefore no regime has the power to do so,' he asserted. V. Subramanian, who works for a private firm here, said: 'I would call it stupidity ...Though Dec 31 is the last day of every year, the accounting year ends on March 31 universally. Can anyone change these according to his or her whim and fancy?' A priest at a Shiva temple termed it blasphemous. 'Our ancestors, who had the wherewithal to calculate the distance to the moon, sun and other planets when the world at large was yet to comprehend the value of the integer zero, have created a system that has stood the test of time. Attempting to alter it is like trying to fiddle with one's genes and parentage,' said a priest, declining to be named. 'Can anybody dare to change the Christian or Islamic calendars? And a political leader who has no beliefs in any religion has no locus standi to do so at all,' the priest said. S. Bukhari, a Muslim scholar, averred that the government was acting beyond its known spheres of influence. 'This step doesn't make any sense to me. All those who subscribe to some religion or the other have their important days. For instance, in Islam, there is a particular period in a year that is observed as a period of fasting. It culminates in Id, which is determined by our Imams after sighting the moon. This has remained unchanged for centuries. Now that one government has attempted to change one calendar, where is the guarantee that others will not follow suit?' Bukhari questioned.
|
Discover the 90/10 Principle. It will change your life (at least the way you react to situations). What is this principle? 10% of life is made up of what happens to you. 90% of life is decided by how you react. What does this mean? We really have no control over 10% of what happens to us. We cannot stop the car from breaking down. The plane will be late arriving, which throws our whole schedule off. A driver may cut us off in traffic. We have no control over this 10%. The other 90% is different. You determine the other 90%. How? ……….By your reaction. You cannot control a red light. but you can control your reaction. Don't let people fool you; YOU can control how you react. Let's use an example. You are eating breakfast with your family. Your daughter knocks over a cup of coffee onto your business shirt. You have no control over what just happened. What happens next will be determined by how you react. You curse. You harshly scold your daughter for knocking the cup over. She breaks down in tears. After scolding her, you turn to your spouse and criticize her for placing the cup too close to the edge of the table. A short verbal battle follows. You storm upstairs and change your shirt. Back downstairs, you find your daughter has been too busy crying to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She misses the bus. Your spouse must leave immediately for work. You rush to the car and drive your daughter to school. Because you are late, you drive 40 miles an hour in a 30 mph speed limit. After a 15-minute delay and throwing $60 traffic fine away, you arrive at school. Your daughter runs into the building without saying goodbye. After arriving at the office 20 minutes late, you find you forgot your briefcase. Your day has started terrible. As it continues, it seems to get worse and worse. You look forward to coming home. When you arrive home, you find small wedge in your relationship with your spouse and daughter. Why? …. Because of how you reacted in the morning. Why did you have a bad day? A) Did the coffee cause it? B) Did your daughter cause it? C) Did the policeman cause it? D) Did you cause it? The answer is "D". You had no control over what happened with the coffee. How you reacted in those 5 seconds is what caused your bad day. Here is what could have and should have happened. Coffee splashes over you. Your daughter is about to cry. You gently say, "Its ok honey, you just need to be more careful next time". Grabbing a towel you rush upstairs. After grabbing a new shirt and your briefcase, you come back down in time to look through the window and see your child getting on the bus. She turns and waves. You arrive 5 minutes early and cheerfully greet the staff. Your boss comments on how good the day you are having. Notice the difference? Two different scenarios. Both started the same. Both ended different. Why? Because of how you REACTED. You really do not have any control over 10% of what happens. The other 90% was determined by your reaction. Here are some ways to apply the 90/10 principle. If someone says something negative about you, don't be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water on glass. You don't have to let the negative comment affect you! React properly and it will not ruin your day. A wrong reaction could result in losing a friend, being fired, getting stressed out etc. How do you react if someone cuts you off in traffic? Do you lose your temper? Pound on the steering wheel? A friend of mine had the steering wheel fall off) Do you curse? Does your blood pressure skyrocket? Do you try and bump them? WHO CARES if you arrive ten seconds later at work? Why let the cars ruin your drive? Remember the 90/10 principle, and do not worry about it. You are told you lost your job. Why lose sleep and get irritated? It will work out. Use your worrying energy and time into finding another job. The plane is late; it is going to mangle your schedule for the day. Why take outpour frustration on the flight attendant? She has no control over what is going on. Use your time to study, get to know the other passenger. Why get stressed out? It will just make things worse. Now you know the 90-10 principle. Apply it and you will be amazed at the results. You will lose nothing if you try it. The 90-10 principle is incredible. Very few know and apply this principle. The result? Millions of people are suffering from undeserved stress, trials, problems and heartache. We all must understand and apply the 90/10 principle. It CAN change your life!!!
|
Have a good laugh
Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.
Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.
He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to
touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the
Physician, the King's chief doctor.. Horatio thought about this and said
that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it
would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little
bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed.
Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident,
Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if
applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had
shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure
the itch.
The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their
chambers.. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching
powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick
worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The
Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and
hailed as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment
of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have
cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the
King and with a laugh told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder
into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.
|
Thank God It's Friday A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
|
|
|
